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PURPOSE, JOY AND POSITIVES

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Hello all,

I had to be off-line for the last few weeks due to a family emergency. I do apologize for any inconvenience. So, we will continue on where we left off talking about Aubrey Drake Graham’s quote:“Live without pretending, love without depending, listen without defending, speak without offending.” 

The first two sections of the quote we have covered, so let’s start today with “listen without defending”.  Many times in our lives we probably do not listen actively or with our hearts. Certainly, we do hear the words, but words do several  things after going into our ears. They may just float around in our head along with all the other non-essential things, not really stopping to land; they may trigger previous conversations about the topic at hand, bringing up emotions; or they may initiate the defense mechanism which results in vindicating our position on the topic…..justifying why it isn’t so. So, yes we listened, but not with our hearts. We were too busy preparing our defense to really ‘hear’ the message. How much simpler would it be to listen consciously to what is being said, and not feel that we had to defend. We never need to defend who we are; we are valuable and worthy.

The last phrase of this quote speak without offending is probably one of biggest challenges of life. Do you know why? I believe it is because we all want to be right…….right about our opinions, our actions and even about our plans. Most of the time, we don’t really try to offend; but in haste, we may say things that we don’t really mean or just blurt out our unfiltered thoughts. Remember that old saying your parents probably said at least 100 times…..if you can’t say anything nice to your sister/brother, then don’t say anything at all. I think that is still good advice as adults. Perhaps a good way to think about what we say is to ask ourselves:

  • Are my words necessary?
  • Will my words uplift?
  • Are my words kind?
  • Are  my words truthful?

Even though there is that old saying : Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me. Truth be known: words can hurt, and once said, they can never be taken back.

 

How can you change your listening and speaking to be more POSITIVE and bring more JOY to others?

 

 

 

 

PURPOSE, JOY AND POSITIVES

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Aubrey Drake Graham, singer/producer, is credited with this quote:

“Live without pretending, love without depending, listen without defending, speak without offending.” After contemplating on the Four Agreements the last couple of weeks, this seems like an appropriate follow-up to share.

Isn’t it hard work to pretend you are someone you really authentically are not? It requires energy, time, and fruitless effort. You can’t just be; you have to think and plan out HOW you are going to be. Acting……. but life is not being in a play: of course, if you have a lot of drama going on, it might feel like a play…..someone else’s perhaps. One’s best bet is to be real….real about how you present yourself to the world. The ‘real you’ , not the one you imagine, is great, more than great and is valued by others. So, let the real you come forth.

I think the next line about loving without depending is all about balancing. In any good relationship, there has to be some depending. For example, we may depend on our partner/friend to keep our trusted agreements for the relationship or to assist us with household ‘stuff’ (so it all gets done, right?).  Depending becomes an issue when it begins to immobilize one in their own arena of life; there is an overwhelming unhealthy dependence to the point that one no longer has control of his/her life. Dependence often comes with neediness. Independence, on the other hand, is healthy and necessary  for balance in the relationship, even the relationship with one’s inner self. (You trust that you can do what ever it takes.) Independence means that one can function in life without ‘having to have’ the approval to act. Independence means that one has JOY and PURPOSE in life that is not dependent on another’s  words or actions. This comes from independently developing one’s own personal values, activities,  and follow through with right action. Too much independence, to the exclusion of consideration for what the other person wants and needs, becomes an issue, much as too much dependence does. Thus, the healthy balancing act between the two. Each person can then interact without sacrificing their personal beliefs and values.

Next time we will talk about the last four lines regarding  listening and speaking.

Where are you on the dependence/independence continuum?

 

PURPOSE, JOY AND POSITIVES

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Fourth/Final Agreement: Always Do Your Best

At last, we have reached  the fourth and final agreement from Don Miguel Ruiz’s Book, “The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, a Toltec Wisdom Book” : Always Do Your Best.

Of course, one would think this is consistently going to be what you strive for in work, relationships, or for that matter, in whatever you are involved with in this life. If we are honest though, sometimes, other things can get in the way of putting forth your best. Maybe it is a tough day; maybe you are not feeling so great; maybe ‘old stuff’ bubbles to the surface and it is hard to get to best for the day. When those days happen, I think it is important to tell ourselves that THIS IS  our best for today, given the situation with which we have to work. Negative self talk just won’t help.

We need  to remember that ‘our best’ can look and feel different from day-to-day, month to month or even in different phases of our life. Best can have various definitions for each of us in any given situation. That is life: that is how it works, like it or not. This too is okay, more than okay. In fact, if we are doing our best in life, then it would seem that best should show up differently as we grow, develop and move forward in life.

Don Miguel Ruiz says: ” Doing your best, you are going to live your life intensely. You are going to be productive, you are going to be good to yourself, because you will be giving yourself to your family, to your community, to everything.”

For me, this spells PURPOSE, JOY and POSITIVES in my life.

How do you define ‘your best’ in the main areas of your life?

 

PURPOSE, JOY AND POSITIVES

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Third Agreement: Don’t Make Assumptions

We continue on with the third agreement from Don Miguel Ruiz’s Book, “The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, a Toltec Wisdom Book”.  This one can really get us into trouble when not adhered to.

All too often we find ourselves ‘rushing in with our own thoughts’ as others are talking with us. Instead of listening, really listening, we drum up our own version, which usually involves a step ahead assumption. We also often make assumptions about things that happen in our lives. We create ‘new truths’ which we believe are so. Ultimately, this assuming can lead to unnecessary anxiety, conflict or at the very least some serious misinterpretations of events and other’s words. Of course, rather than ask questions and get clarification, it is easier to hang on to our ‘new truths’ for dear life………like if you let go of it you might sink!!

Where does this leave us? If we continue to make assumptions, POSITIVES and JOY are going to be out of our reach because we will be too busy creating more assumptions to uphold the ‘new truths’ we created. Life will always have unnecessary drama and wasted energy if we live in this mode.

Active listening, questioning for clarity and not adding to the message can help us to uphold this third agreement. These three actions when practiced persistently can lead to POSITIVE daily habits that can bring JOY and peace to our lives.

Don Miguel Ruiz says: “We make all sorts of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions. We make the assumption that everybody sees life the mway we do.”

What assumptions have you made today? How did those assumptions impact you?

PURPOSE, JOY AND POSITIVES

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Second Agreement:   Don’t Take Anything Personally

This is the second agreement from Don Miguel Ruiz’s Book, “The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, a Toltec Wisdom Book”  ….still one of my favorite books.

In reality, there are probably several times a week when our feelings are hurt by something someone says about us or does to us, intentionally or not so intentionally, and either way,  it still hurts. We are all sensitive to how others view us and want to be thought of positively; that’s our human nature. In the moment though, it is hard to convince ourselves that it is about what the other person says or does as a reflection of their issues/opinions, not our thoughts or our actions. In addition, we have no control over others…..absolutely zero! They are going to think and do what it is they think and do, no matter what.

Making this second agreement part of our daily habits is important in uploading more JOY in our lives. So what do we do to begin this process? The key is that we have options regarding those words or actions that hurt us.  We can a) not respond, b) toughen up our outer skin, c) repeat in our own heads thoughts that are positive about ourselves, d) be confident in our own character and qualities and e) if we have to, limit or even eliminate association with that person. Save ourselves the hurt by trying to practice any of these ideas. Adopt the second agreement!

Don Miguel Ruiz says: “There is a huge amount of FREEDOM that comes to you when you take nothing personally.”

How soon can you begin to practice this habit and have more JOY and POSITIVES in your life?

 

 

PURPOSE, JOY AND POSITIVES

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First Agreement: Be Impeccable with Your Word

One of my favorite books is by Don Miguel Ruiz, ” The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, a Toltec Wisdom Book”.  Although the title is lengthy, the book itself is a short, but a deep read, promoting four elemental keys to personal freedom from unhealthy actions that stifle our development.

The first of the agreements is to be impeccable with your word. Seems pretty straight forward correct? Basically, it implies that one must speak truth at all times, at all costs, maintaining self dignity. Others come to understand you as someone who can be trusted to ‘say it like it is’, to use a coined popular phrase. Being impeccable with your word does require the art of thinking before one speaks, knowing that your word will affect those who are listening. Knee – jerk responses have to be deleted….permanently. Taking even more practice is using silence as a method of being in truth. Sometimes not saying anything at all can have a greater impact than if we had chosen to say something, especially if it had negative overtones.

Finally, I would add that speaking truth also means that we speak to ourselves with integrity and POSITIVES. Negative self-talk is never helpful in the hourly, daily, weekly or long-term scope of life. Speak kindly, gently and truthfully to yourself, about yourself, as well as to others.

“No legacy is so rich as Honesty.” (William Shakespeare)

How does the truth change actions?

Stay tuned for the other three agreements.

PURPOSE, JOY AND POSITIVES

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The Basket of Friendship!

Recently, I had a visit for a couple of days of a dear friend of nearly 40 years! What a delightful time we had reminiscing, laughing, planning for a future trip together (with husbands), and experiencing true contentment just seeing each other again.  I started thinking about real friendship and decided to create the basket of friendship above: loyalty + caring + supportive + trust + fun = JOY.

There are people in our lives who are acquaintances and we see them every so often,  but there is not a personal relationship with them. Situational friendships might be built around a group one belongs to. Mentor friendships may change over life as one grows and matures in a career.  Neighbors often turn out to be that helpful friend whom you can count on to assist with different things. There are also work friends that one might lunch with or stop in to have coffee or a drink with. Family members are often wonderful friends. Certainly, sometimes  friends within these circles do develop into  life long trusted friendships that bring JOY to one’s life.

It is a blessed life indeed if one has a few friends that are loyal through thick and thin; caring about you no matter what your status in life; supportive of you and your endeavors in life and will guide you if you fall off course; trusts you as you do them implicitly; and there is always joint fun and laughter. If life changes paths, and you do not see each other often, the friendship continues to grow with regular communication because that is probably the biggest denominator that binds you together…..that sharing of souls.  When you do see each other, it is like a day has never passed not sharing. One doesn’t need a multitude of this type of friend…….just a treasured few that bring  JOY.

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.” (Unknown)

Who is your most treasured friend and how can you nourish that friendship to bring even more JOY?

PURPOSE, JOY AND POSITIVES

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New growth is what I found in my perennial garden this week. It immediately brought HOPE to mind.

Hope is what we hang on to when perhaps we have lost our way, or the path looks bleak at the moment, or we have concerns about which path to take. Hope rises up to shape our future, if we believe that there are still possibilities untapped. We have to believe this in order to feel hope. Hope can move us from a place of negatives or fear to a place of positives to imagine what the future could hold. It can give you a sense of happiness and JOY to come. To hope is to visualize and formulate goals that can change your current situation….maybe even alter significantly the course of the outcome of the new goals.

So, to connect this to the new growth I captured above:  when the tiny  green sprouts of leaves spring forth from the dark cold winter ground, for me it always brings the excitement of beautiful  flowers and the birth of yet another breath taking  spring. It is a new beginning with new life which will come……..I just have to wait for a little more sunshine.

One of my favorite poets,  Emily Dickinson, is credited with this thought: “Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul – and sings the tunes without the words –  and never stops at all.”

Has hope ever changed your life and given you a new spring birth?

PURPOSE, JOY AND POSITIVES

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Make the decision to be excited everyday! Choose to make it a winning day!

Most of our days are pretty ordinary days, unless you are a King or a Queen I guess. (Remember that show “Queen for a Day?”) Although,  I would imagine that even the King and Queen have some pretty ordinary days in their lives. It depends upon the perspective that one comes from. What might appear to be extraordinary to one person, is pretty ho-hum for someone else.

Sometimes, the day is a phenomenal experience that goes down in your book of life as one that you will never forget. But let’s face it, most days are like Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, the weekend, and then you start it all over again. I believe that you could make a conscious decision before your feet hit the floor that this WILL be an outstanding day. Even though there is work, errands and the hum drum of life, one could choose to approach each task with the fore thought of being excited to  even have the tasks before you.  Many may not be so fortunate!

Create a  special intention for the task that brings the  feeling of well-being and JOY, especially upon completion. Is this easy every day? Definitely not! But it is like any other habit you develop: do it everyday and it becomes solidified in your brain that this is how you do your day. It is easier to have a winning day than it is to fight the inevitable tasks that are a necessary part of reality.

“Let us be lights of hope! Let us maintain a positive outlook on reality.” (Pope Francis)

How will you choose to start your day? Try the new habit for seven days and see how you feel at the end of each day. It is only seven days. What do you have to lose?

 

 

 

 

PURPOSE, JOY AND POSITIVES

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Multitasking!  The lady in the comic above looks like how my mind was working this morning. There were calls to be made, calendar dates to check, arrangements to make for getting back home, catch up laundry, cleaning to pick up, and several other things I can’t even think of yet! In fact, I barely have had time for tea and it is already 11:00.

Multitasking is a great skill to have when it applies to cooking or housework while you are managing some other things…..just don’t get so involved that you forget the meat in the oven!! (been there). Optimally, focusing on the really important tasks  would be one at a time.  I believe that  when we let ourselves be inundated with all the things that seem to be calling  for completion right this minute, we forget to live in the moment of JOY. It seems that even PURPOSE for that day can get a little out of kilter. My experience is, which I need to remind myself this morning,  that it will all get done; not to worry!

If you opt for multitasking, here are some thoughts:

  1. Make the list the night before, generating all the ideas.
  2. Refine and prioritize the list first thing in the morning.
  3. Don’t start any task until you have done number 2.
  4. Pick the biggest  or the least favorite task and make it number 1. Then it is done and you feel 100 percent lighter.
  5. Stay focused on tasks as you start and finish them. Each task potentially has the greater chance of being completed correctly. (Other wise, you may find yourself redoing some tasks.)

“You can do two things at once, but you can’t focus effectively on two things at once.” (Gary Keller, author of The One Thing)

Am I focusing on the priorities of the day? Do I really need to multitask in order to get it all done? What would be so terrible if some things did wait until tomorrow?

(The picture caption is one I have had for a long time and do not remember who to credit it for. But I like it!)